I’m not quite sure how to start this… so it will probably all seem quite incoherent.. maybe most people begin typing with an idea in their head or some kind of purpose but I am just sitting here contemplating things. I should probably start with explaining a bit about myself, I could start with saying that I am a student studying psychology but that all seems too superficial.. after all I prefer not to think of jobs and educational choices as all character defining. So through simply talking about whatever is in my head I suppose I am putting across a more accurate depiction of myself. (Look at that I’ve already rambled a bit of nonsense!) I suppose I decided to start this blog as a small method of escapism though it is more of an outlet if anything (same thing?). It would seem that most things I do in my life lately are simply for this purpose in fact. Battling with my impending Seasonal Affective Disorder (the winter blues basically) I see everyone around me growing complacent with people and situations while I find myself constantly seeking more change which can unfortunately be detrimental to others! I should probably explain this better…

I found myself the other day (not suddenly.. I didn’t black out.. it was planned!) in the bed of a man who was not my boyfriend.. the aftermath was a long contemplation.. it made me wonder what had pushed me towards embarking on this short lived affair.. was there something about this man that had allowed me to take a somewhat more open approach to my desires which I had hitherto been able to suppress (though it must be admitted the temptations beforehand were few)? Why did I not feel guilty? And what is the nature of love and all the ideals that it carries with it?
The following few weeks were surprisingly accompanied by feeling free spirited, easy going and having higher self esteem (is everything we do for our self esteem!?) despite knowing I had shattered one of extremely few morals I hold (I try to be open minded when it comes to morals after all there are few things more subjective than it but I do try to uphold the old ‘do one to others as you would have them do one to you’).
This man had intrigued me for a while and in a somewhat narcissistic manner he was a reflection of myself or what I would aspire to be with a charm that managed to steal my thoughts away from my boyfriend. He reminded me of the main character from Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Zahir’ with an open minded philosophical approach to every aspect of life. Having a partner himself he explained to me his feelings for her, mirroring mine, without ever seeming to contradict himself due to his actions. It made me realise that fidelity should not be considered the litmus test for an individuals feelings towards another, it is simply an ideal. To me it seemed far more important to ensure I didn’t hurt anyone, after all my feelings for my boyfriend had not changed, I knew I loved him and I was happy with him. It seems that society has imposed such norms on us, to the extent that we instinctively feel the need to assume there must be some problem in our relationship if we are tempted by another. Should something that seemed to have such a positive impact on my life and perspective towards everything be considered in such negative light? To me it felt more like a small getaway and I found myself viewing it as separate from the rest of my life hence I didn’t harbour any feelings of guilt…
Depending on ones character I think everyone needs some sort of stimulation in their lives, something thought provoking when life becomes mundane…

I told you it would end up becoming a bunch of incoherent babble…